Photo by Camille Cox
DISCLAIMER! PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU CONTINUE
I’m taking this article in a different direction. This will be more of a personal essay than compared to the other articles that I have written in the past. I’m planning on making more of these over the next several weeks. Keep in mind that these posts will be uncensored, meaning that nothing is going to be held back. These will also not be following the same format that I usually do when I do my other articles.
This essay includes references to the term "retarded" in a historical and clinical context. Please be aware that I’m using this term solely to provide historical context and understand the evolution of language in discussions about autism. I acknowledge that this term has been offensive and hurtful to many individuals and their families, and I do not endorse or promote its use in any way. My goal is to educate and create awareness about autism, and I have chosen to address this sensitive issue with respect and sensitivity.
Sometimes the silence is so strong that you start to lose your sanity in the process - Librios
There comes a point in your life where sometimes it’s best to keep silent in certain situations. However, what happens when it starts to pour into other areas of your life and starts to do damage in the process? This is something that I’ve been hesitant to share, but I believe that sharing this will help others who are going through the same thing.
As most of you know, I am autistic. I have mentioned this a few times in the past so people wouldn’t be surprised. Rather than give you a long intro and what to expect, I’m going to get straight into it.
Growing up in the 90’s was difficult. It was worse if you were also autistic at the time. Keep in mind that autism was not as understood as it is now. At this time, if you had autism, you were labeled as mentally retarded, which is now called intellectual disability.
Now, the definition of intellectual disability is having below-average intelligence. This also means that you had a lack of skills necessary for everyday living. I’ll be honest, and say that I had trouble following orders when I was a kid. Though then again, who didn’t follow orders when they were kids?
Now, I had mentioned that I was picked on a lot back then. I'll post the article so you can catch up with it.
https://themindoflibrios.substack.com/p/short-thing-on-autism
One of the hardest things for me to do when I was a kid was talking to people. Unless I knew the person well, I would end up making the conversation awkward. To help you understand this better, imagine playing an RPG, and having a conversation,
You will have a list of options for what to say to that person. Here is the issue though, you have no idea what you say next, will either continue the conversation, or it will completely make things awkward and kill it. Let’s make it difficult. Imagine that same list, but all of them are listed as ???. Now you have a problem, because you don’t know if what you say will accidentally creep them out, or it will work out in your favor.
During elementary school, it was difficult for me to engage in conversation. Keep in mind that I had no issues with my speech, it was mostly trying to keep a conversation going on at the time. Let's just say that anytime I engaged in a conversation, it didn’t end well. I had one friend at the time, who is still a good friend of mine to this day. I had no idea how he managed to put up with me, let alone with my goofy ass.
As time went on, I started to get better with it, but there were times when I would still have difficulty with the conversation. Those ??? Options would become visible, but that doesn’t mean that it would become easier. In fact, I would say that it would become harder. What made this difficult at the time was that I did not understand social cues at that time.
During my high school years, I did not talk much at all. The only time I talked was when I was with someone that I knew well, or if I had to read something aloud for the class. That was it mostly. Fast forward to now, and while I would like to say that I have made progress so far, there are days when I do struggle with conversation, especially when it comes to the furry fandom.
One thing I will mention is when I meet someone new, I will ask a lot of questions. Not for the sake of being creepy, but so I can process the information on what I have, and form a better picture of that person. While this does help me understand the person better, it can be creepy for others. Even though that is not the intention, it can still come out as creepy.
So rather than continue the conversation, I will end it there. There are days when I wonder though if it's better for me to keep silent and not say anything, or to at least attempt to make a conversation. This isn’t to feel bad for me in any way, but more of what I deal with daily. I have no idea if anyone is dealing with the same thing, but hopefully, this will show that you are not alone if you dealing with this situation.
A note from the author: This is the first time in a while that I have done anything like this. So i apologize in advance if this seemed short.