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Disclaimer: I am not a professional by any means. While the advice can help, it’s important to get professional help if you are in this situation. The number will be different, depending if you live in the United States, or in another country.
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.- Maya Angelou
At some point in our lives, we have always been told to stand up for ourselves. Whether it be from family or friends. This is the usual advice when it comes to harassment. However, what happens when this ends up coming from someone that you love the most? When the harassment from the person you love, becomes abuse? Not in the physical sense, but emotional?
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is when someone verbally abuses you rather than physically. It's when the person uses their words to isolate you, threaten you, or use threats of violence toward your loved ones.
Now you may be thinking, how can verbal abuse be worse than physical abuse? You’re not physically hurting the person, so what is the problem?
Here is the thing with it. While emotional abuse may not show scars or bruises on the body, it does damage your mental health. What are some of the tactics that an emotional abuser may use? Well, there are a couple of ways that they do this.
Using methods such as humiliation, name-calling, and criticizing.
What most abusers will do is start using different tactics to undermine yourself. A couple of examples are:
Using Name calling, and derogatory nicknames.
I’m going to get comments saying that. “We’re friends, we always joke around with each other with this.” If both of you know that it's being done jokingly, and it’s being done for fun, so be it. However, this is not always the case with everyone.
This kind of abuse can range from stupid, dumbass, loser, you get the idea. Another form of this is using terms of endearment that you are sensitive about. For example:
You’re my little piggy wiggy.
My Chubby Wubby Pumpkin.
You get the idea. The abuser will continue to use these as a means to harass the victim, even when the victim tells them to stop.
Shutting down your interests and hobbies
Another thing to pay attention to is the person will attempt to shut down your hobbies, or what interests you. This can range from comments such as:
You will never be good with that hobby, so why bother?
You’re not going to make any money with it.
It’s not going to take you far at all.
Continuing with your hobby is pointless.
This list can go on and on. No matter how many times you try and share what your interests or hobbies are, the abuser will mostly shut it down, and berate you for it.
Caring little about your achievements
Ever had a day where you managed to achieve something that you have been working on for years? Feels great doesn’t it? It feels like you’re on top of the world. You tell your loved one that you finally completed that goal you achieved, only for them to say that it doesn’t matter? This is a tactic that is commonly used to manipulate someone to tell them that their achievements or goals don't matter.
Everyone is going to be different when it comes to emotional abuse. You may be thinking, if a person is getting mistreated, why not leave the person and be done with it? Well, the problem with this is that there are factors that need to be considered.
Social Stigma
This is where it can get tricky. Most times it is often frowned upon to talk about these experiences, and were expected to suck it up and deal with it. It doesn’t help that our friends and family can sometimes reinforce this idea, making the situation worse.
Mental and physical health is damaged
There is only so much a person can take before something breaks. If it's not something physical, it will be mental. Sometimes it's both. This can lead to depression, neglect of your health, mental exhaustion, and sometimes worse. Every person is going to be different.
Emotional Confusion
Even if the person were to cut off the abuser, there is a high probability that the victim will have some emotional attachment to them. Other times the victim will start doubting their emotions and the perception of their relationship. This is often a tactic used so that the abuser can remain in control of the relationship.
Even with all these problems that are presented, what might cause a person to not get out of that relationship? What is going on that would make a person feel conflicted about leaving that relationship? There are a couple of reasons.
Personal blame for the harm done to themselves
There is a possibility that a person may blame themselves for the damage that has been done. Because of this, they will feel like they can’t get out of this mindset. Because they allowed it to happen, they should not be able to let go of that blame.
The fear of isolation without them
Let’s be honest here. If they have been with the abuser for years, chances are the victim isn’t going to risk being isolated from them. When you become dependent on one person, and then take them out of your life, it can feel like they are isolated. Especially if the abuser ended up making you cut ties with your family or friends.
Retaliation
Keep in mind that this could be a strong possibility of why the victim will not leave the relationship. They may use threats of violence, or end up creating lies to tell the family to keep the victim from leaving.
Religious or cultural beliefs
Depending on how you grew up, or what religion you were indoctrinated in, it can make things complicated. Religions such as Catholicism and Christianity often frown upon divorce, or leaving your partner entirely. This can also bring shame to the victim once family members find out. Rather than try to help them get out of the situation, it is often met with criticism, sometimes, making the person leave their family in the process.
Fear of losing custody of their children
Sadly, this situation is often a reality for some victims. Most are not able to escape the abuser, since they know that there is a chance that they may lose custody of their children. This is where things can turn for the worst. The abuser may end up lying to the kids saying that their mother/father doesn’t love them. Over time, this can end up making the kids hate their parents.
These are factors that can contribute to not wanting to leave that relationship, despite it being abusive. So, the question is, what can be done in this situation? There are some steps that you can take.
Getting help
This is going to be one of the hardest things to do. Especially when you feel like nobody is going to listen to you. Talking to a professional is going to be your best option here, especially when they are trained to deal with this kind of situations.
Cutting off contact when necessary
Another thing to consider is cutting off contact with that person. You do not owe them an explanation on why you are cutting contact with them. This will be difficult, but your mental health will thank you In the future.
Getting therapy or counseling
One thing to keep in mind is that the trauma doesn't go away once you leave the relationship. It takes time to heal from the emotional abuse. It would be best if you get help by getting therapy or doing counseling. They are trained to deal with this kind of situations.
If you are dealing with someone who is emotionally abusing you, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
800-799-7233 is the number for the United States. No one should be having to deal with this at all. For those who are reading this who are in this situation, may you find a way to solve this issue.